I bought a delicious three-layer cake for all of you for my birthday!

And don't worry about the whole cake fucking thing last year - and if you had some and got sick, you can't say I didn't warn you - but this year I watched the production and I promise, no one fucked this cake.

So go on and have a piece!

Food eating fetish combined with a burping fetish. Now all we need is for her to lean to the left and start farting and she's got the trifecta!

I don't get it. How is this considered sexy? At least she's not a giant BBW obese pig, but other than a pretty girl eating, what makes this sexy? How does someone's brain begin to relate eating food to a hard-on? Seriously.

Do you remember when I showed the Maskhead snuff movie? That movie was messed up, right? Like someone wanted to make porn, but didn't want to work with an actual porn agency for marketing so they just made a shitty horror movie instead.

Well, I come baring more treats very similar to the Maskhead snuff movie. Movies like this have a little bit of every fetish and a whole lot to laugh at. Let's begin by laughing at the writer/producer/director of today's movie titled "Slow Torture Puke Chamber". He has dubbed himself Lucifer Valentine - at least I assume his parents weren't insane enough to name their child Lucifer. You never know.

In the opening credits alone you get to watch fake cocks shoot fake blood all over a probably real stripper. Who could ask for more from a movie?

I waited until after Valentines Day to share these precious desserts because... well it's obviously not Valentines Day desserts that they're using. It is really freaky though and all the leftover Valentines candy I saw at the store made me think about this.

Two late 30's women are dressed up in slutty clothing in childish colors, one of them even looks like that pink haired girl from Lazy Town, and one gets big suckers shoved up her pussy.

Serious pussy stretching going on with candy; I ... never wanted to imagine this at all, but now I do want to laugh at it.

I didn't feel much like finding any weird fetish sex pics, stories or videos today so I've opted to put together virtual Valentines gift baskets that you can present to your loved ones, friends, family, exes and enemies either for a good laugh or to suggest they entertain themselves in such a way.

First up is the use of chocolate as Valentines desserts:

Tits and a chocolate food fetish

More Valentines Day games with chocolate!

According to the throaty, whispery porn star - whom I want to punch for using that fake, stupid sounding voice - this is a hot fudge sundae, so maybe it's more like Valentines desserts than games.

I've never seen three girls pretend to be so happy about sharing one rather lame and unimpressive Valentines dessert before.

I'm kicking off Valentines Day early with some tips for Valentines Day games, desserts, toys and other ideas for the holiday!

What are Valentines Day games without chocolate? Nothing, I tell you, absolutely nothing! So go buy some chocolate sauce and prepare a sexy Valentines Day game for yourself and your lover. Or just yourself if you're single; no reason you can't treat yourself.

Boobs covered in chocolate aught to be great Valentines Day desserts, but... there's something wonky and nasty about those tits. Definitely lulz-worthy, but not Valentines worthy.

Well if you're like me, you're getting a little tired of those anthro sex photos from the last week, so let's move on to something else.

I'm a big horror movie fan and after having watched everything Hollywood could churn out, anything noteworthy from the Brits and even some things from New Zealand, I started turning to B-rated horror movies - okay, maybe they're more like Q-rated horror movies - to get my horror movie fix.

Sometimes I'm pleasantly surprised at the quality of these movies.

Sometimes I'm not.

And sometimes, I'm shocked at how people try to make horror porno films, but can't get anyone to take off their clothes so they just classify it as horror. This movie is something like that. It's called Maskhead and there is no discernible plot to the entire movie.

What it does have, is a lot of really weird fetishes. It's like someone watched every video, photo and article I ever posted, added a Plasterhead style killer and tried to make a sick, fetish video. ...only none of the actors wanted to get naked after reading how shitty the script was.

What you end up with, is this train wreck of a balloon fetish video with focus on the balloon popping fetish, food eating fetish, pissing fetishes, dog play fetishes, weird costumes like clowns and finally, snuff.

Close your eyes while watching this. It actually sounds like normal sex - well slightly squishy, but still mostly normal sex.

Open your eyes and … he’s fucking a watermelon. Yes, a watermelon. Women use vegetables in the ass and men use fruit.